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Starbucks Drinks for a New America – The New Yorker (satire)

Nuclear-Annihilation Almond Latte
An oddly pleasant fusion of espresso, almond milk, and the inner peace
of resigning yourself to inevitable doom. Topped with a marzipan
mushroom cloud! ($4.95 USD, 4515.364 KPW.)

Canadian Visa au Lait
Maple syrup, poutine, and a lock of Celine Dion’s extensions come
together in this holiday favorite that’s sure to make you weep into your
French phrase book, which you only bought because you have to at least
feign that you’re going to move to Canada like you said. ($4.95, fifty cents extra for the calm smugness that comes with a social safety
net; does not come with actual visa. Do you know where we can get one?
)

Male Ally Affogato
A rich mélange of espresso and vanilla ice cream blended with a man
explaining to a woman that things would have been easier for her if she
simultaneously shut up and also spoke more forcefully. ($4.50.) Goes
great with a side of vegan pho and woke lessons from That Guy Who Loves
His Curvy Wife. (Additional $25.99.)

Millennial Pink Frappuccino
An exciting blend of strawberries, raspberries, coconut cream, açaí, and
crippling student-loan debt. Garnished with a lecture about how lazy you
are and a really cute tiny avocado toast. ($200.00 added to your Sallie Mae bill—you won’t even notice!)

Flat White Privilege
The milk in this was chosen strictly because it’s the best milk for the
job, so don’t go thinking it got a leg up just because it’s white. Other
than that, it’s basically just a latte because, seriously, who
understands the difference? THIS ISN’T NEW ZEALAND. ($4.00, free for club members.)

No-Health-Care Hot Cocoa
A seventy-two-ounce hodgepodge of tasty global chocolates blended with
half-and-half, to enliven the palate and hasten your ever-quickening
jaunt to death’s door. Pairs beautifully with a mild sinus infection
that could turn into a life-threatening emergency but who knows because
you’re too scared to go to the E.R. ($700,000; only available in U.S. locations.)

Fear of Anyone Who’s Not Americano
Nothing here is made without immigrant labor, so a super-white barista
will breathe into a cup for you and we’ll call it a day. ($13.95; only available when Becca is working.)

N.R.A. Shot in the Dark
Premium bulletproof coffee served with several shots of espresso and
your choice of assault rifle. (Market Price, but we can usually work out a deal, so don’t hesitate to ask!)

Twitter’s Loose-Leaf Teavana
Sweet and tart flavors dance a seductive tango in this addictive drink,
which keeps you entertained for hours! Has a slightly bitter aftertaste
that you’ll learn to crave. ($4.95, or free if you agree to be lectured on game theory by an anonymous retiree with an egg avatar.)

Hazelnut “Handmaid’s Tale” Latte
Comes in three sizes: Movie (Tall, with a side of Aunt Lydia’s favorite
syrup, $2.95); TV (Grande, with a side of imaginary, non-racist
society, $3.95); and Book (Venti, with a side of frozen bank account,
available exclusively to females at our U.S. locations, $4.95. Please note: A male over the age of eight must be accompanying female for purchase).

Calm Surrender Chamomile
Tea mixed with our tears and then your tears. Has been described as
“surprisingly comforting.” ($2.95, free at end of days.)

Starbucks Drinks for a New America – The New Yorker (satire)

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